alive in the dead of night

It is way past midnight. Everyone’s asleep. It’s quiet and all you can hear is the sound of crickets coming from the empty field right next to your house. They say that this is the best time for you to manifest things. With fewer people awake, you can reach out to God easily. No one beats you to it. Whether or not you believe in God, it is sensible that the quieter hours also bring you closer to yourself. You, as a being, are more in tune with your self and will strive to understand you better. You are now temporarily free from the dues you are tied to during the day. I am awake now simply because I am a lost soul trying to find the right direction, and perhaps being awake now brings forth my concerns more effectively.

Life is full of tests and blue sky days. Life is unpredictable, and yet everything will turn out to be okay. With every rom-com I consume, I gain the understanding that love begins with yourself. A better life begins with yourself, and a better life begins with a small gesture. 

As you stand in front of the mirror, you and your reflection shall bond in the magic of love through the self-acknowledgement: 

You look amazing just how you are.

The decisions you made today might seem daft but right.

Thank you for being strong for me. 

It seems easy, but our thought process has been wired to disappoint us for too long. This becomes a process. I came to realise this because of many different events throughout my life but a few of them struck me harder than others.

One day, I turned down an offer to attend a self-development workshop by a friend of mine. It was done out of ego. After the workshop, she shared with me how it went. There was this simple meditation activity aimed to confront you with yourself. Taking you right to your core, simply to apologise and thank it for letting us be. As I imagined myself doing it, tears welled up and tension was felt in my throat. I owe myself so much. My body, my mind, my soul. They did so much. We selflessly wander around in this world trudging into good and bad places through our decisions. What makes this a selfless act, really, is the fact that we always succumb to the “bad” places and always have to fight to move towards a “good” one despite us knowing full well where good decisions can lead us to. Despite all this, we probably would not have spared enough thought to say thank you to ourselves. Yet our self never complains.

A quote from one of the rom-coms: you like something because, and you love something despite. Simply put, you learn to love when you get to “and yet” in your thoughts about something. For example, cooking can be complicated. It requires a lot of thought and prep work, lots of dishes to do afterwards and yet people still do it. They do it because they can taste the sweet saps from their fruit of labour. What I am trying to say is, as much as it seems like we hate ourselves so much for making seemingly more bad decisions than what we wished for, we still ought to appreciate them despite. 

I love my body despite the times where some outfits stifle my confidence because they never fail to function on days where I refuse to surrender to the stressors of my health. 

I love my mind despite the times where seemingly normal situations were brought out of proportion because it has always nursed me back to happiness heartbreak after heartbreak.

I love my skin despite the times where my acne flares up and does not cease to go away because it has always healed me of any wounds when I failed myself. 

I love my digestive system despite its slow metabolism because it handles potential allergens just fine.

Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and so do self-love. My journey is still ongoing and it has been proven harder than I thought, despite my narcissistic tendencies. Within us is a devil with the name of Ego, and it takes a lot for one to dispel it. It is in our bloodstream, thoughts and strands of your hair, but it is especially apparent when you are met with crossroads in life. Crossroads are abundant and each lane consists of a different outcome. When you are in this position, you either become the devil itself or yourself. This is not because you chose the wrong direction, but rather because of the outcome that is not what your self desires and thus pushing you away from getting to where you should be. Following Ego means going the long way round to your destination. But either way, your self will still thank you because eventually love wins. That includes self-love.

My intention of writing this is to remind myself that with every shortcoming I have, I owe myself my whole life for staying regardless. We look far and wide for someone to do the work for us but the truth is that the work will never be done unless it was done by the beholder themselves. With this writing, I am invoking that this journey is guided by my best interests, even when it seems like it feels otherwise. I am invoking that this journey is not marred with self-doubt and Ego. I am invoking that what is within holds more power than what is outside. I am also invoking that I will get to where I will be, wherever it is because I have faith that happiness is promised throughout. This writing is to remind myself of the immense faith I have in my self, and whatever storm I would be under is another promise for a blue sky day. I love myself, and I thank it for keeping up with me. And God, I hope this is not blasphemous for this would not have happened had I not believed in one in the first place. I believe in God, and thus I believe in myself. These cracks and dents of mine are perfectly engineered for the beautiful journey of self-acceptance, and this could not have happened without divine intervention. 

In this quiet time between you and I, take the time to give yourself a tight embrace and appreciate all that it is at this moment, in the next moments and in the past. Remember that it is the journey of you, your mind, body and soul. Regardless of where you stand in life, we need it as much as the next situation. Even when things seem out of our control, remind yourself that the power that we have is that we still have a degree of control ourselves. Helplessness is only a temporary feeling. The truth is that we are never powerless. Cultivate that strength. You are stronger than you think. Thank you, God, and recalibrate your needs and wants for every one of them is listening closely. Everyone is asleep.

Strive to be, and life shall lead you to outlooks you can never exchange.

Love,

Hana